The Wizard Protection Program
by Emily Black
Summary: Five of the most classic characters have to go into the program...as muggles! Draco is up! Very wierd muggles, at that! Please RR
1. Manila Envelopes

Warning: Proceed with extreme caution. This story gets really insane after the first chapter. Well, the first chapter is insane after a little bit, but it starts out like any other chapter. This is my first shot at a Harry Potter humor fic, so please bear with me until I get used to it. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Albus Dumbledore, Draco Malfoy, Lord Voldemort, Death Eaters, the Weasley family, the Dursleys, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, or Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am not J.K. Rowling (no, really, I'm not). I am a fifteen year old girl with a crazy brain going bonkers after 7 weeks of no school, which makes for laziness and mind wandering! I also own any other character used in this fic (I think) and I also own the Wizard Protection Program (as apposed to the Witness Protection Program…get it?)  
  
Chapter One: The Manila Envelopes  
  
"I have called you all here today because your lives are in very great danger now," a smooth voice said. Albus Dumbledore was smiling behind his great desk in his office. He was seated in his normal chair, but on his right, there was an extra chair.  
  
The chair was filled by an elderly man in crisp navy blue robes. He had graying hair and small square spectacles. The man was one that, besides Dumbledore, only three of the five others in the room had recognized.  
  
On the other side of the desk, five minds were buzzing. Each about something different. A few were pondering the man, Geoffrey McNally's presence in Dumbledore's office. Others were wondering why the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was smiling at the mention of their demise. One had also noted a similar smile on Mr. McNally's face and doubted things even more.  
  
Directly across from Dumbledore, a girl with voluminous chestnut curls that were once frizzy, sparkling cinnamon eyes, and a brain that could rival many of the Hogwarts professors was thinking to herself, 'I do wonder what Minister McNally is here for. I have read about him in "Western Hemisphere's Leaders in Magical Government" once or twice. If I recall, he has a strong emphasis on keeping Voldemort and other dark sorcerers out of the United States. He also spends a large amount of his time on education, which could be another in to what this is about. I doubt he's here to look to work on a Magical Creatures treaty, seeing as we aren't really heading in that direction, but that was another strong point for his focuses. Hmm, what did it say in "The Red, White, and Blue Wizard's Guide to the American Ministry?" Hmm…"  
  
On the left of Miss Hermione Granger was her best friend, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. Beneath his crazy, untamable black hair, behind his round glasses and blazing emerald eyes, Harry was thinking as well. 'Who is this guy, and furthermore, why is Dumbledore always so frigging calm whenever my life is once again in danger. This is so typical. "Oh, Harry, you could die anytime. Hurry off to class now, don't have any fun, and there will be nothing to worry about!" Well, not this time. I am not under the rules of Hogwarts for much longer. A day left, and I am gone, free from all these people who are trying to "do what's best for me" and free to do whatever I please. But still, can't he at least be concerned on the outside if he is on the inside?'  
  
Next to Harry was his other best friend, Ron Weasley. Ron was still as tall as he was back when he joined the Quidditch team, but not as gangly. He had gotten some muscle mass and had all the girls all over him. He had been completely cruel to Hermione, and broken her heart. The two hadn't spoken in over a year, and Harry was left to pick up the pieces. Ron had gained some muscle in his arms and legs, but definitely not his brain. His thoughts were much less complex than the others. 'What the hell? Why's he smiling? Does he always do this? What a way to end the year, the Headmaster calls us in, tell us our lives are at stake, and practically burst out laughing! What is this world coming to? Bloody hell!'  
  
Next to Ron's enemy sat Ron and Harry's arch enemy, Draco Malfoy. They had been wrong about him, as Hermione had said to them one night after having a meeting with him, being Head Boy and Girl. She said that he wasn't a mini Death Eater; that he hated his father, but the other two wouldn't budge on their thoughts. The boy with the misunderstood past sat in deep thought. He, like Hermione, recognized Minister McNally. Draco was familiar with most high up authority figures, or used to be, anyway, when his father had thrown grand parties and they would all come. He was thinking, too, running his hands through his silver blond hair, his gray eyes unfocused. 'I do agree with Lucius on one thing, Dumbledore is bonkers. And why is Minister McNally here. He was from…the United States, right. They stress anti-dark arts…hmm…what is going on here?'  
  
On the other end of the line, someone had picked up on far much more than any of the rest. That was to be expected. The man with shoulder-length greasy black hair and cold black eyes had, of course, learned a lot about the world's magical leaders being a Death Eater. He noticed McNally's smile as well as Dumbledore's, and he knew things were all right. 'Dumbledore may be crazy,' Severus Snape thought to himself, 'but he is a genius, and so is McNally! Everything will work out…I hope!'  
  
Ron, known for hhis temper, was the first to speak. "Are you outta your tree?" he roared, looking to Harry for support. "Why're you grinning when we are in 'great danger'?"  
  
"Mr. Weasley, please calm down," came the silky voice of Snape from the other end of the line of chairs. "I am sure the Headmaster has some explanation to his happiness."  
  
After Snape spoke, all of the looked up at Dumbledore, genuinely hope that Snape was right, which was a new feeling for some. He grinned more, then spoke. "This is Minister McNally, the Minister of Magic for the United States of America. He has offered a very exclusive program to keep you all safe. Geoffrey?"  
  
The minister rose, and picked up five manila envelopes, each with the three letters written on the front. "I am offering you all places in our 'Wizarding Protection Program', which we created in the U.S. It is a progam where wizards in severe danger are given new identities. Right now, these identities are all Muggle identies, though. We, at the program, will supply you with everything you need; money, clothes, new hair and eye colors if nescessary. You are perfectly welcome to do magic as long as you are alone or with only the other members of the Program in this room. I hope you all will be able to adapt to your new lives. Please read the reports on your new selves in those envelopes. You will leave for your new places of residence in a week, and that is explained in the letter." He handed the envelopes to Dumbledore and stared around at the faces. Snape's was of pure surprise, Dumbledore had gotten more nutball ideas in one year than he had ever thought possible. Draco's was a mix of shock and horror, he had never lived with Muggles before. Hermione's was of deep concentration, as she was trying to remember what she had read about the program. Harry's was of wonder, how had Dumbledore come up with this, it was very different to his normal "keep Harry safe" plan. Ron was thinking about Dumbldore's sanity.  
  
Dumbledore rose and took the envelopes. He read off what they said. "HJP, that's Harry. SBS, that's you, Severus. What did B stand for again?" Snape muttered something none of them could make out, except Dumbledore, who then exclaimed, "Right, Benjamin!" The four seventh years quickly stiffled their laughter, Draco clearing his throat, Hermione suddenly developing allergies, and the two Gyffindor Quidditch stars becoming overtaken by a whooping cough.  
  
Dumbledore watched as Snaped glared at them, then continued. "HJG, that would be you, Miss Granger. It's Josephine, right?" She nodded, blushing at the name. Ron laughed at her reddening cheeks, Harry elbowing him in his side. Hermione grew redder and hid her face from the laughing boy with her hand and newly aquired enevlope. Dumbledore continued, saying, "DRM, that is Draco Randell Malfoy, if I am not mistaken." Draco simply grabbed the envelope as Ron cascaded into another fit of laughter, this time, Harry joining in.  
  
Suddenly, Snape whipped around. "Mr. Weasley, Mr. Potter," he said, his tone full of malice, "Do you realize that you are being very rude? People have interesting middle names. Why don't you share with us yours?" Harry suddenly grew quiet. There was a reason Dumbledore hadn't brought up his middle name, it was the name of his father, James.  
  
"James, sir," he said quietly, suddenly very interested with the design of the rug on the floor.  
  
"Hmm," Snape said, suits you. And Mr. Weasley?"  
  
"Chester," he mumbled. Hermione and Draco shared a look, but contained their laughter.  
  
"Here is your envelope, Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore said, reaching over his desk with the last malina envelope. Ron took it, blushing. "You all my return to your quarters now. I will see you all tomorrow at breakfast, I expect?"  
  
They all nodded and headed out. Minister McNally and Professor Dumbledore watched them file out, shooting looks at each other. "That went well!" said McNally, breaking the silence.  
  
"It indeed did, you have no idea how interesting it gets with all of them in a room together," came Dumbledore's reply.  
  
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed! The next chapter is Harry's new "life", I have decided to skip ahead to when they start the program. Please REVIEW!!! 


	2. Urinals and Bicycles

Warning: Yes, another warning. This is where the story goes nuts! I am kind of planning on putting some readers in this fic, so if I put you in here and you get offended, remember one thing...you asked for it!  
  
Disclaimer: No, these characters are not mine. Okay, Ashley Benlove in this chapter sort of is. She is based on a reviewer! I hope I did her justice!  
  
Here we go...  
  
The Wizard Protection Program  
  
Pairings: Harry/Ashley, Ron/not telling, Hermione/not telling, Draco/not telling, Snape/not telling  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Chapter: Urinals and Bicycles  
  
Harry looked around at his cramped flat. 'It's called an apartment,' he reminded himself. It was small and drab, his apartment. He was, after all, the janitor at River Valley Elementary School in Sunnydale, Texas.  
  
He sat down on the old rotting sofa and took out his notebook and pencil. He was uncomfertable with his new writing utensils, but there was no way he would look normal whipping out a quill and roll of parchment in front of the Muggles. He looked over at the snow white poodle in the corner with a screwed-up look on her face.  
  
"I know how you feel, Hedwig," he sighed. Sure, his situation was not great, but he wasn't stuck as a poodle until God knows when. The poor bird may not fly again for a few years. Harry had sacrifices, too. He may not drink a butterbeer again or see Remus again. Both of them were trapped in by the four grimy walls of Harry's new apartment.  
  
Harry looked down at the notebook and began a letter.  
  
"Dear Ron,  
  
How are you? I don't know anything about where you are or who you are now. Minister McNally said to send all letters through him until we are better informed.  
  
I am now Karl Stephan. I am a janitor at River Valley Elementary School. I am 18 years old (duh) and have a whole new look. I have blonde short hair and blue eyes now. I am not too sure on what a janitor does, but I have work tomorrow and will get all the details then. I am guessing it's a crummy job because my flat is a dump.  
  
My address is attached, please mail me soon. I miss you-"  
  
He had hesitated, thinking of writing "and Hermione, too," but thought better of it. He signed the letter with his new name and wrote a very similar letter to Hermione. He had not mentioned Ron to her. He didn't want to upset her. He then walked the letters, addressed to Minister McNally (well, it said Mr. McNally on the envelope), to the mailbox on the first floor of the apartment building.  
  
When Harry got back, he settled into his bed with Hedwig lying by his feet. It was going to be a long...well, however long he would be there, it would be long.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Well, Harry surely knew that Voldemort wouldn't think to look for him cleaning urinals at an elementary school in America. He was greatful he was safe, but he was certain that he could handle Voldemort. He was supposed to kill him, wasn't he? He couldn't believe Dumbledore was making him do this!  
  
"Bastard," Harry whispered as he wheeled his cleaning cart down the hall to the next bathroom.  
  
"Actually, my parents were married," came a sweet voice from his left. Harry turned to see the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. Her twinkling brown eyes and wonderful curly brown hair were so lovely. She was about 5'3", the perfect height for him, as he was an inch short of six feet. She was an absolute model of a Mary Sue, and he loved her.  
  
"Oh, Miss..." he stammered. 'What a moron I am, cussing in an elementary school,' he thought to himself. 'She probably hates me.'  
  
"Benlove. Ashley Benlove," she finished. She looked at him and took in his blond hair and blue eyes. They for some readon looked out of place, but she couldn't understand why. She still found him handsome, though.  
  
"It's a pleasure to meet you. My name's Karl Stephan. I'm the janitor. I apologize for my cussing, I was deep in thought," Harry returned, hoping beyond hope that she forgave him. He didn't think he would be able to handle himself if she didn't.  
  
She thought for a moment, then replied, "I forgive you, but I want something in return."  
  
Harry thought that it could be his lucky day. This beautiful girl wanted a favor. He just stood there, then remembered she was waiting for a response from him, and nodded. "Sure," he managed.  
  
"Can I have a ride home? I usually walk, but I pulled a muscle in my leg today and-" she started, but Harry cut her off.  
  
"Say no more,. Do you mind riding on my handlebars? I only have a bike," he said, all of the sudden feeling dumb that he didn't have a big, cool acar to take her home on.  
  
She smiled at him and said, "Sure! Meet you out front at 3:45." Then, she turned and headed back into her classroom.  
  
Harry spent the afternoon on cloud nine, despite the fact that he had to clean up after a kid who got sick in the cafeteria.  
  
He met Ashley outside of the school and drove her home, which was three blocks away from the school. When he got home, he told Hedwig all about it and started getting excited about Friday, when he was taking her out to dinner.  
  
A/N: Hey, I got a few requests and stuff, and I will try to honor them all, but I don't know if I can. I have pairings made for everyone that requested being it the story but one person. Also, unless you want a very small part, you can't be in this fic anymore, all major roles are filled. Notes to my reviewers:  
  
Lisa-Chan~ I am so glad you like the story! I think it's going to turn out great. Aren't the last names great? I hope you like the characters "new names"!  
  
RowlingFan1: I am planning on putting you in, but I have a question or two first that could effect the whole plot, so expect an e-mail.  
  
Aranami~ I have a spot for you, and even the knife thing is probably going to be worked in eventually!  
  
Vanyaria Darkshadow~ I want to put you in, and yes, there will be several love stories, but I don't know if I will get you worked into one. You see, someone else is alread going to meet Snape and date him. You could be his friend, and depending on what Rowlingfan1 says, you may even get to have another romantic interest. How about I e-mail you?  
  
Thanks everyone, and also, if you guys have ever thought being a Hogwarts student might be fun, you should join this great site. The URL is: http://hsm.proboards15.com/index.cgi and it's really cool. You can be a student or teacher. Terms are 9 weeks long, but if you hate it, you can drop out. It is comprised of all message boards, and there are areas for all classrooms, common rooms, house tables, sorting hat, library, Diagon Alley shops, teacher's offices, Quidditch Pitch, Gringotts, and much more. Check it out as a guest. It's really great! And if you have questions, e-mail me!  
  
~CrazySwimmer27 


	3. Worms and Squirms

Warning: This chapter is crazy and it also discusses yoopers. If you are offended by that, don't read!  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Nuff said.  
  
The Wizard Protection Program  
  
Pairings: Harry/Ashley, Ron/not telling, Hermione/not telling, Draco/not telling, Snape/not telling  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Chapter 2: Worms and Squirms  
  
One Hermione Granger hopped off her four-wheel ATV (a/n: for those unaware, ATV stands for all -terrian vechile) and sighed. She had been doing this routine for a while now, but she still wasn't big on it. Being a stupid yooper hick (a/n: yooper is somebody from the upper peninsula of Michigan...kind of Great Lakes area joke...the stupid and hick coem from her character profile that was in her envelope) was not on her list of post-Hogwarts things to do.  
  
She opened up her shop, Lucky's Bait and Tackle, by clicking the lightswitch and flipping over the sign on the door so that the "Open" was facing outwards. She had a bait delivery in a half an hour. Lucky's was known as the best bait shop in Iron River, having the freshest bait in the county.  
  
"Well, enough time to get the mail and feed Crookshanks," she said to herself. She walked over to a large aquarium where a walleye was swimming. She grabbed some of yesterday's bait and threw it in.  
  
"There you go, Crookshanks," she cooed. According to Minister McNally, this was the best way to keep a low profile, as having a huge cat wandering around her store or camp was an easy way for him to become bear bait.  
  
Hermione then headed out towards her mailbox, deep in thought. She hadn't heard from anyone in the wizarding world in a very long time. At all, in fact, since she "relocated" to the U.P. She was beginning to understand how Harry must have felt during the summers, stuck in uncomfertable situations without a more than a few words from his friends. Hermione reached the mailbox hoping to hear from someone. Harry, Dumbledore, Draco, even a letter from Snape would do. She missed human contact. Well, real human contact. The grumpy old men who retired to the remote area and flashy young fools from Chicago who treated her like nothing more than a piece of ass were not what she'd call human contact.  
  
She scanned the letters that she found in in her mailbox, which was shaped like a fish with the "door" as it's wide-open mouth (a/n: they really make these, no joke) as she headed towards her shop again.  
  
"Junk, junk, junk, bill, junk, bill...who's Karl Stephan?" Hermione muttered to herself, hoping that it wasn't more junk mail. She tore it open and immeadiatly recognized Harry's scrawl.  
  
"Hah! I have such a better name!" she exclaimed as she entered the shop, which smelled of dirt and fish...what else, not noticing a blond women with chocolate brown eyes examining the bait in one of the coolers towards the back of the store who had turned to stare at her outburst.  
  
"Excuse me?" the woman said. She looked to be in her mid-twenties. Her hair was in two French braids that reached just past her shoulders. Hermione felt red creeping up her neck as she turned towards the woman.  
  
"Oh, nothing, just some junk mail," she explained to the woman. Hermione was amazed and slightly excited to see a woman in her shop, it was the first occurance so far. "Welcome to Lucky's, by the way, I'm Kristen Green!" She ran a hand through her now jet-black thin hair. She had never met anyone here yet worth being friends with, and here was a woman who seemed to not be so much like the girls Hermione knew from school, such as Lavender and Parvati, but more like her. She hoped she wouldn't blow it.  
  
"The name's Emily Murphy! Nice to meet you," the woman replied, genuinly sweet. She had grown up around her father and his friends at their hunting and fishing camp. She, as well as Hermione, needed a friend of the Anon A sex.  
  
Hermione thought for a moment. She knew the name from somewhere. "Oh my gosh," she burst after a moment, "Is your dad Andy Murphy?" Emily nodded and Hermione grinned. "He comes in here all the time. Always talking about his daughter, which I now know is you. Jeez, he could have told me you were near my age!"  
  
Emily blushed. "That's my dad for you. I grew up with him up here. He taught me to hunt, fish, all the works, and he's darn proud. You should come have dinner with us tonight. You're new around town, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I 've been here no more than a month," Hermione replied. She was so excited at how friendly people were. She had a friend here now.  
  
"Sounds great. I'll scribble down the directions for you," she exclaimed, grabbing one of the junk mail envelopes and drawing a small map on it. "We're having a fish fry because my dad just came back from Bay de Noc on a trip. I'd assume you like fish!"  
  
"Yep, sounds great! Should I bring something?" Hermione didn't mind stopping at the store. She had the money and she wanted to keep her new friend badly.  
  
"Ahh, how about some free bait?" Emily said with a wink while Hermione rang her purchase up. "Friends and Family discount, right?"  
  
Hermione waved as her friend headed towards her ATV. "Sure, see ya then!"  
  
As Emily left, Hermione finished Harry's letter and scribbled a reply telling him all about Emily and her new shop and of course, her new identity. She headed back out to the fish mailbox and stuck his fin up, signifying there was a letter to be mailed.  
  
Review notes:  
  
Lisa-Chan3~ Thanks! I smell it, too, actually! Fairamon has a point! I am glad you liked it.  
  
Missy-Minnie~ Thanks for checking it out. That is cool that you from Fiction-Net! I love that site.  
  
Thanks and please review! 


	4. Rits, Glitz, and Sis

Warning: This chapter is crazy, though not as humorous as the first few. If you want more humor, wait until next time, with Snape and his new career.  
  
Disclaimer: Still not mine. JK owns mostly all that is here. That's all the disclaimer you'll get today.  
  
The Wizard Protection Program  
  
Pairings: Harry/Ashley, Ron/not telling, Hermione/not telling, Draco/not telling, Snape/not telling  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Chapter 3: Ritz, Glitz, and Sis  
  
Ritzy music played as Draco Malfoy, now Tony Forester, entered the lobby of the Waltmore Hotel in NYC. He came gliding through the doors, along side a beautiful blond woman, with sparkling silver eyes, a perfect body, and obviously tons of money. The duo headed toward the front desk, the mysterious woman adjusting her hair. Draco followed, awed by her beauty, and upon reaching the front desk, was speechless.  
  
Of course, he wasn't speechless as much over this woman's stunning appearance as he was because it was his job as bellhop to remain seen, yet not heard. And since he was trying to catch his breath from the walk with all her designer luggage, it wasn't a problem at all for him to sit quietly on the sidelines, watching the woman, who had a life that he could be living, drift into the hotel with no cares.  
  
Upon being handed the woman's keys, Draco pushed the cart, overflowing with her fancy luggage, which was even monogrammed "MM", to the elevator. The elusive MM was quiet the ride up, and all the way until they reached her door. But upon entering her luxury suite, it was a different story.  
  
The blond woman entered the room, and as soon as Draco and her wardrobe were inside, she snapped it shut. Draco looked up from where he was at the closet with her clothing, and she held a finger to her lips.  
  
"Listen up," she hissed in a deadly calm voice that made chills run down Draco's spine. "You, Draco Malfoy, and I, are in a similar situation." At these words, Draco's mouth hit the floor. How did she know his name?  
  
"Excuse me," he said when his jaw was back in place. "Who are you? Do I know you?" His face was painted with concern and confusion, but hers was as calm as could be.  
  
"No, you don't know me, but I know you. I'm the other unknown heir to the Malfoy fortune. I'm three years older than you, and mother and father sent me away with loads of gold as soon as I was six. So you certainly wouldn't remember me, but I can never forget my baby brother."  
  
If possible, Draco's jaw, previously only hitting the floor, was now 17 stories below, in the lobby. "W-w-hat?" he sputtered, shocked. "I knew Lucius was quite gender bias, but he sent you away?" "Yes, Draco. He felt, I suppose, that since he had a son," she started, a little emotion showing through the typical Malfoy mask, "there was no use for me, other than to ship me off to some all girls magical academy and keep me there, letting you carry on the family tradition, and me, wash up eventually with whatever money they provide."  
  
Draco at this point was unsure of what to do. He discover a few years back that his father was an ass who didn't deserve to live, but send away his own daughter, his own flesh and blood? That was crossing the line. And from the tears forming in his sister's eyes, he knew he was right in believing that.  
  
Having befriended Hermione, and talking to her quite a bit on how to treat ladies, Draco felt compelled to do something other than let this woman, no, his sister, sit there weeping. He slowly left his post near the closet and walked over to her, enveloping her in a tight hug. The mysterious older Malfoy sobbed freely into his shoulder; letting the emotions she had from birth been taught to bottle up, out for the first time in her life.  
  
Draco hoisted her up and carried her over to the loveseat, letting her rest. "Sis," he said gently, "I'm not like Father, despite his efforts. I'll take care of you."  
  
An hour or so later, Draco and his sister, who he now knew was called Morgan, sat talking on the loveseat, two conjured cups of tea in their hands. Draco's big sister had even done him the favor of calling his boss and getting him the night off for the two to talk.  
  
As Draco left to head back to his new quarters, an apartment in another part of town, he made a mental note to write Hermione and tell her his news, as well as Dumbledore, just to fill him in for any help to the Order. He smiled, stepping off the subway, and made his way home to bed.  
  
A/N: So, what'd y'all think? I kept ya waiting long enough again. So much for me and my false promises. Well, it's up, and sorry about the wait. My creativity hasn't been flowing very freely lately, and I have been busy with swim team and school. Thanks to the loyal reviewers from last time, here are notes to you!  
  
Mystical Witch~ Here's Draco, I hope you like it. Severus is the next chapter, and he's probably the funniest to write. Still working on it, but I know the basic gist of it. Please review again!  
  
Vanyaria Darkshadow~ I'm sorry it took so long, especially since you claim you are inpatient. I'm writing the next chapter this weekend if all goes well, and I hope it does, so pray that it's up in a week or two.  
  
Lisa-Chan3~ Yeah, and Draco's a bellhop. My brainchild here was Hermione working at a bait shop, then Severus' new career popped into my head, and I loved the ideas both so much that I created a whole bunch of people. I hope they're all good. Thanks for the review!  
  
~Emily 


	5. The Candy Man Can

Warning: This chapter is gonna be outright hilarious. Just because it's Snape. What more can I say?  
  
Disclaimer: Still not mine. No Snape for me. No Draco for me. Boo hoo!  
  
The Wizard Protection Program  
  
Pairings: Harry/Ashley, Ron/not telling, Hermione/not telling, Draco/not telling, Snape/not telling  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Chapter 3: The Candy Man Can  
  
A tinkling bell sounded as the door of Candyland Candies swung open. A steady stream of children poured through the door, all ogling the colored sweets the magical new store contained. The two people behind the counter exchanged a glance with wide eyes. "Damn," they mouthed in unison to each other.  
  
It was the candy dish, full of sherbet lemons, which sat on Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore's desk that prompted the existence of the candy shop right next to a large elementary school in Midland, Illinois. Minister McNally and the esteemed headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were deeply engaged in a planning meeting for the new program when the latter offered the former a little bit of candy. Thus, Candyland Candies was born.  
  
Of the two behind the counter, it's hard to say if you could ever find a more interesting pair to actually spend their days selling sugary sweets to greedy kids.  
  
The first of the employees behind the counter was none other than the ex- Death Eater spy and Potions Professor at Hogwarts, Ron Weasley...oh wait, wrong chapter, I meant Severus Snape (a/n: did I have you there for a second? *crickets* Well, anyways...). Though it may be said otherwise, as his lollypop shaped name tag sported the identity of Owen Chapman. You all may be currently trying to picture the "overgrown bat" filling children's lives with joy right now. Hint: stop before you hurt yourself. I'm sure that Dumbledore, back in that chintz armchair of his, is still laughing, as he was last when we left him, shortly after the author got lazy with chapter one. Then again, who could blame the old (and rather nutty) chap for getting one last laugh in? Not I.  
  
Back to this dynamic duo. Member number two was a kindly young woman, not to mention certified witch, by the name of Lisa Jensen. Though not a member of the Wizard Protection Program, she happens to be a personal friend of the headmaster. Attending a local Illinois college (one the author made up) not too far from the shop, she studies art while working full time. One might ask how, but to them, another would have to tell them to stuff it, and read the rest of the chapter, and all will be explained. Anyways, Lisa and Severus actually get on surprisingly well, given Snape's track record.  
  
The grand opening sales of Candyland Candies had virtually every child in the whole town packed into the miniscule shop, plastering their grubby little fingers all over. Needless to say, Snape was not amused, and the scowl he wore, similar to the one he saved for the Golden Trio, proved it without a doubt. Lisa shot him a sympathetic glance as a boy who would make Dudley Dursley look anorexic waddled up to the register Snape was tending to, chubby hands filled with sweets.  
  
After four more busy and painfully long hours, Snape scared the rest of the stragglers away by shooting them his signature glare. Lisa put up the Closed sign while the children ran home, and she then turned on Snape.  
  
"Gods, Severus," she chided jokingly. "You'll scare away all our business like that. What will Albus say if we go bankrupt?" She occupied herself with stowing the cash register drawer in a safe under the counter while Severus came up with a reply.  
  
Severus raised an eyebrow. "Like he wouldn't suspect it. What the old fool was thinking in employing me, dreaded Hogwarts Potions Master, as a candy man," she spat the last bit, "I will never know."  
  
The woman simply rolled her eyes and then focused on taking off her apron. "You're such a drama queen. Get over it, will you?" she said, annoyed.  
  
He shot her a glare, but she deflected it, purposely turning the opposite direction while trying to retie a ponytail for her long silky brown hair. "You have got to be the most infuriating person, minus Potter and Weasley, and the rest of the Weasleys now that I think about it, oh, and Potter Sr. And I can't forget Granger. Or the Creevys," he said, slipping into a tangent.  
  
"Ooh," she taunted. "That must put me at...number 15. I'm not very impressed," she tutted. "I will have to try harder."  
  
Severus massaged his temples. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" he asked waspishly.  
  
Lisa glanced down at her watch. "Oh shit," she muttered. "I still have that lecture on Renaissance art. And I'm an hour and a half late already." She pulled from beneath her tee shirt a golden necklace. The pendant was a minute hourglass. "See ya later, Sevvy poo," she smirked, turning it twice and disappearing.  
  
Severus flipped off the light switch for the store and walked into the staff office angrily. He collapsed into a chair and accio'd some coffee. He took a long drink and let out a sigh.  
  
"Nothing is right with the world," he muttered overdramatically. "I can't even walk around normally without missing the feeling of my robes billowing along behind me. And that Lisa."  
  
At this point, the half of his brain not responsible for the last few lines in this story butted in. "What about her?" it asked.  
  
"She's annoying," he replied aloud.  
  
"Is everyone annoying to you?" his brain countered.  
  
"Well, yes, but she is more," he pouted. But his own mind refused to join his pity party.  
  
"Oh stuff it, Snape. You just think that because she is the closest you have ever had to a friend, excluding Malfoy for obvious reasons," he reasoned with himself.  
  
"Fair enough," Severus agreed huffily. He glanced at his new Muggle watch, a present from Dumbledore, who insisted that the Disney Princess Collection was definitely in for men this year. It was late. Severus gathered his things and locked the door, hopping into his Volkswagen bug. His yellow Volkswagen bug. Needless to say, he scowled the entire ride to his new home, as if daring any other drivers to chuckle at him.  
  
A/N: Funny? Yes, no? I thought so, but who cares what I think, right? Please review, I like them. They keep the plot bunnies from dying of malnutrition. So feed them.  
  
Mystical Witch~ Yes, the mighty have fallen. And I suppose Severus can fit into that category.  
  
Ty~ Thanks for the review, love. This story is actually meant to be incredibly out of character, so I don't mind if you think it's hard to swallow *wink*. Well, Sev wasn't a used car salesmen (that would have been great!) but I thought this worked out well. I may put you in. Who knows?  
  
~Emily 


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